At 0133Hrs.lt 15th of November I am feeling all empty. I tried to fill in my thoughts by watching a movie but Ut didn't help at all. There are times when I feel so great like I can do all the things I want but there's also this mellow moment where emptiness strike you unconsiously.
The news on TV with the terrorist attacked in Paris has been uproaring. Most of my Fb friends changed their photos in support of it but I still don't felt the trend to follow them because it seems death is inevitable to everyone.
I have been searching online on the masters I would like to take after working abroad. It cost 50k for a semester and seems it will take me more years to be a slave.
Been asking myself, what is it that I want. What should I do with my precious life? Does all the great people I've read on the books has this kind of scenario. Have they been struck by emptiness? Does those prominent have dark moments and couldn't get into the reality of things.
There's too much questions on my head right now. Its like terrorist are on going. It doesn't feel safe and I'm trying to figure out how could I help the world. I'm always in confident that I'm gonna make history with my name. I want to make something out of me, not the usual routine of human being. I know that death will be coming after me but before that happens I want to laught at it that I made my great share to for the rest of the people whom will live after me.
I think about those who I will left. Its insane that at this age of 23 I'm talking of this crazy stuff. Some of my similar age are maybe currently in love, pregnant, in their start of career, clueless, sleeping, looking forward to their dates, spending their salaries, or waiting for their favorite concert.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna go back again to being slave. Its not literally slave like the previous centuries where you stay in a muddy place and then harvesting for the landowners. Its 2015 so at least things have changed, but the system goes on. You maybe wear professional attire but the usual slavery of human goes on. You work for the food you eat. You spend life trying to fix problems of human beings. Well, some find great happiness with that but me I am not sure. It pays my bill but I dont live for the bills.
What is it with my life? I kept on questioning the entire thing around it. What? Maybe, I still need to figure out, the reason I am struggling still is that I am limited of information. I cannot explain nor understand what I want to get out of myself. Its not money at all, I know. I don't know where to start or have I come far already?
I always make a reference to those that ahead of me. Those prominent people. Those that have been long gone and forgotten. What have they contributed when theyre on my age? Have they have this same scenarion at 2am, asking a lot of stuff?
What is it that I seek? What is it that you seek? What do you continue to do what you do? Some people get satisfaction by the exchange of their hardwork. I am too but that is too shallow for me. There's deeper reason I want to get out of life?
It seems I want to start something. I want to try everything. I want to enroll into this, try this and that. Is it a crisis? Well, if a Psychiatrist would read this, there would be a bunch of labellings he/she will pour in. I refuse to be boxed out by those people. They too have their own crises.
All I can say, its a relief to fire squad lots of questions. I am putting this into words so that maybe in a year or in few days I get to see the progress of my mindset. To know whats bothering me and why I am awake at 2am. This information are raw out of my head.
I guess, my human body needs a rest. I still have work tomorrow. The routine goes on but I'm making a way to break this. I must engage into something I like. The most interested job I want is to talk to people. Hundreds of people. A speaker maybe. Anything related to talking.
Oh I remember a phrase, it says 'of course, you gotta talk to yourself sometimes... So you can get an expert advise'.
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