HOW CAN WE FIND COMPASSION FOR THE PEOPLE THAT WE HATE?

Recently, I had a heated conversation with one of my collegues. It made me angry and even cursed her to death for being a female asshole. It was a terrible feeling having to work with someone who you completely wish to dissappear. To be honest, I felt more stressed and burden having to think of her everyday.

I understand that stress in the workplace is part of the contract which we all need to deal with later on. At this moment, I have figured out that its not worth it for me to feel exasperated because of that one person nor even ruin my astonishing days thinking about her. 

Instead, I divuldged myself into reading which is the equivalent of meditation for me. I felt positive again and was able to think beyond that hatred. Although this is not the first time I had fought with someone it made me realize to do a self psychology on how to be compassionate for those people I hate the most or for that certain moment. 

Yes, we can be compassionate to them. We just need to try harder, and we should not make that hatred the centre of our vision but ourself. I want to share with you what I've read which have the same point of view on my situation.

Hate is a miserable, tiring, trying, debilitating thing.  It will cripple your mind and ruin your potential.  

I try not to hate.  But I do get angry at people. This is how I deal with it.  I call it The Drilldown Method.

I ask myself why I am angry at this person.  Then I ask myself whythat is the case.  Then again. And again…

I keep drilling down until I get to the most fundamental driver of my anger.   

Usually has something to do with how this person is making me feel, not related to who they actually are.  I get angry because I’m protecting something about myself that is weak or underdeveloped. I’m afraid. 

If I address my fear and fix it, then who cares about hating someone?  Not me.  Not worth it. 

Here is an example: 

Let’s say I’m mad at someone for writing bad things about me.  I might get really angry and that might lead to hate.   

Commence Drill Down:

I ask myself, Why am I angry at this person or even hate them? Because they are being a jerk.  But why does that bother me? Because they are judging me for no reason.  But why does that bother me? Because they think what I write is crap.  But why does that bother me?  Because…what if they are right?!   

Oh my goodness, I’m insecure and this trigged my insecurity, and THAT is what I need to get over. Because if I’m not insecure, then I would see such comments and the person who wrote them as thoughtful advice (or bullshit.)  But not as someone worth hating.  Certainly not.

Does that mean that I want to be this person’s best friend?  No. Does it mean I condone or appreciate everything about them?  No.  It just means that I don’t hate them. 

Getting to compassion is harder.  It comes over time, you cannot will yourself to be completely compassionate but you can start by acting compassionate.  I find that once I remove the anger (or hate) I start to see more positive aspects of this person and things that  might have shaped their opinions.  Then compassion develops on its own.

  -Ellen Vrana

As of now, we haven't talked to clear everything out but unlike before it doesn't bother me anymore. I was able to make small conversation  to her about work although I can see that she still carrying the grudge out of me. I can't help her with that because this is something to be discovered on her own but I can always give my compassion her.